Having worked offshore, I can confidently say that gender adversity is a very real challenge for women at sea. More often than not, my first reaction is to get angry when someone says something inappropriate. But, are there situations when anger may not be the best reaction?
During one rotation offshore, I stepped off the helicopter to walk straight into a large government audit. This audit was a very involved process with 3rd party auditors, a team from the office to serve as ‘handlers’ for these auditors, and multiple interview sessions for the leadership to attend.
I wasn’t originally scheduled to be offshore during this audit – a hurricane evacuation the previous week had postponed the audit to the week during my rotation. Saddling up and ready to hit the ground running, I started my rotation as the main engineering contact for all audit questions – not a small task!
I sat in small group sessions, looked up requested documents, and supported the leadership team during this 3-day process. I was proud to be a part of this team and receive feedback afterwards that we had done very well.
At the end of all of the sessions, the auditors waited in the briefing room for the helicopter. I found myself sitting with one of the ‘handlers’ from the office who was an older gentleman. I had interacted with this man during the last 3 days – pulling documents, answering questions and helping him direct the auditors.
During the audit, our conversations were kept brief and professional.
Now, in the conference room by ourselves, the man came over to me and shook my hand saying, “Thank you for all your help with the audit, Sita. You did a great job.”
“Thank you.” I replied. “It’s all part of my job out here as an engineer.”
The man then looked at me, paused and then said, “I hope to see little Sita’s running around some day. It’s great you are out here, but some day you will have to put your family first.”
At first, I had no idea what to do, except give him a bewildered look!
In a split second, I thought, did this man just tell me that even though I did a great job, I’ll eventually have to quit and have babies? Was he insisting that as a woman, I’m obligated to do so?
I started to feel the anger rise up.
What right did he have to comment on my personal life? How could he say this to me, but not to any of the men he interacted with during the audit?
I wanted to tell this man that what he said was completely inappropriate and to not make assumptions about my personal life.
During that split second, I also looked into this man’s eyes and, to my surprise, I found neither malice or judgement, but an authenticity. He had no idea that what he said was inappropriate. He thought he was helping me!
I knew then, that anger was not the most effective response.
Had I gotten angry at him, he would have completely written me off as a crazy woman and never listened to the point I was trying to make. I decided instead, to use that opportunity to say something to him that would hopefully lead to an understanding.
I promptly replied, “Thank you for your advice. I certainly hope you give this same advice to your male mentees because we all know it is equally important for men to put their families first, as it is for women.”
I walked right past him and out of the room.
I have no idea what this man thought or how he reacted. What I do know, is that I came out of that situation empowered and hopeful that instead of alienating this older gentleman, who probably said what he said in a fatherly way without understanding why it was an inappropriate comment, I had taught him something:
I taught him that assuming things about a woman’s personal life (or anyone’s personal life for that matter) is not okay. I taught him that both men and women have an equal right and responsibility to choose if they want to have a family, and if they do, how to provide for their family.
And, at the very least, I know that I taught myself that anger isn’t the answer to the inequalities and adversity we face in life.
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Preach sister!!!!
It’s a very blurry, fine line to walk. Especially with the men that are older. They typically don’t really have any idea that sort of thing is inappropriate. I give them the benefit of the doubt on stuff like that and over the years, it just stopped eliciting any emotional response. As I got older, there were some bombs from the younger generations that were jaw dropping. For example, I got asked when am I going to treat myself and get that breast augmentation? As terrible as this sounds, this was followed up with a, “Well, I just got my girlfriend one and she loves it!”. He was, in his own dumb way, just chatting about what he considered to be something all women discuss eventually. That actually happened a few times. Sooooooooo little statements like these were shocking, but certainly not something that merited more than a, “That’s none of your business dude, sheesh” kind of a response. There’s bigger fish to fry as you move on up the ranks.
Thanks for stopping by, Christine! We appreciate your insight. Could we interview you? Please email us at [email protected]
I’m going to use this article as a guide on how to reply to this situation as well… does it happen to us all? Our company (I work as a third mate on an oil tanker) had an auditor onboard who’s job it was to basically prep us for another customer audit. So he spent time with each deck officer, going over questions that could be asked in the audit. When it came time for my turn with the auditor, he instead wanted to ask about my background and what got me into the maritime field… a pretty common question that strangers ask me. But eventually the conversation wound around to him planning out the remainder of my career and into my family time. He basically said I could get my sailing out of the way now and then head ashore when it was baby-making time!! He was giving me life advice, he had no idea how awkward and inappropriate it was…
I just listened, then awkwardly laughed — and in the end realized that my male counterparts most likely had some beneficial audit prep coaching while I was standing here getting biological clock coaching… wish I had a more empowering retort… seems like my go-to coping mechanism is laugh/smile uncomfortably and then pretend someone is hailing me on the radio…. thanks for this womenoffshore <3
Thanks for sharing that story, Lauren. We are sorry to hear that you had to go through that experience, but we are glad you found some use for this article. Keep making waves out there. We look forward to seeing you become a Puget Sound pilot one day.
Honestly, In speaking to the majority of women- wanting to stop sailing to have a family is something they want at a certain point. Many women and men want to come shoreside to have children. I know some don’t- but many do. Even though it’s not PC or any of their business, I think this man was just being realistic about the situation. Perhaps he was a dad too and understands what a joy it is to have kids and appreciated Sitas work and wanted her to expeience that joy too…. he likely understood babies dependence mama. I know I’m playing the opposite side of the coin here but as a woman who sailed and came shoreside to have a family I can relate and I think – weather spoken or unspoken- that’s a question people are thinking in meeting a woman offshore. We DO carry, birth and possibly breastfeed a child and unlike a man that is 100x more difficult to go back to sea after going through that and now having this little body depending on you for survival. So in a way he may have just spoken something that many people were thinking…. even sailing Chief Mate I still saw myself as a future mother and wanted that so badly. I suppose that comment would be less offensive if it was on Sitas heat to want to have children and come shoreside. Anyway while it’s sexist and totally inappropriate in this day and age to say something like that- he is spoke up about what may others were likely thinking (and perhaps Sita too) who knows.
Hi Sheila, thanks for the comments! I thought you made some really great points – it’s so true that women are the ones to carry, birth, and breastfeed. The child will definitely be more dependent on the mother in the early stages, it’s just plain and simple biology! I’m not a mother so I can’t even begin to understand the joys and challenges of having a child, especially while working offshore. You make a great point – the man I spoke to may have been a dad and may have wanted the same joy of having children for me.
That being said, I think the discussion that I’m passionate about and what is illustrated in this story is that a person’s personal life should not be judged by others, especially in the context of work. That man had no idea if I wanted to have kids, if I was planning to get married, or anything else about my personal life! We met in a business context and I was taking my job very seriously – my personal life had nothing to do with that government audit or my performance in my job, and I felt it wasn’t fair for that man to tell me I *should* put my family first and give up the job that I’m in. I expect the work that I do for my job to be judged equal to everyone else’s, regardless of my personal situation.
I’ve heard too many stories in many industries where women are denied jobs or looked down upon for certain jobs because they are married, have children, etc. (specifically for children, there is a common phrase that describes the negative ding women get for being a mother and the positive boost men get for being a father – The Motherhood Curse vs. The Fatherhood Bonus – even though studies show women with children are often more productive at work!). I wanted to share this story because I want to work towards a world where everyone is treated equally, performance is judged based on a meritocracy, and no one is denied a job or looked down upon because of their personal life.
Thanks for your great comments!